Scripts for Cast Away (To Another Show)
220 - Cast-Away (To Another Show)
Hey! What are you doing? Oh, there's nothing good on TV, so I'm going to watch Alex do homework.
That's a reality show I've never seen an episode of.
Daddy, see? Too many distractions.
It's really Justin's fault that I've fallen behind in science.
Really? I thought it had something to do with the 14 missing assignments.
[gasping] Fourteen? I thought it was ten.
[stammering] I told you that four weeks ago.
[sighing] This is why you aren't doing anything over school break, except take that science class.
It's ironic that the person who likes school the least has to do it the most.
[chuckling] Life is funny like that.
- Here, Justin.
This one's for you.
This is from that essay contest I entered.
"Winner" Winner, winner! I won! I won the contest! I won a trip to the S.
Tipton Teen Cruise to Hawaii.
- [gasping] - [both yelling] We're going on a cruise! Teen cruise.
Family members 18 and under.
[both yelling] We're going on a cruise! Ah! Hold on there, little girl.
You're not going anywhere but that science class.
That's what you get for missing ten assignments.
- It's up to 14 now.
- What? Clearly, we need to check every week.
Alex, you're gonna come to the ship with us and drop off your brothers.
And maybe seeing all the fun they're about to have will make you feel really bad about yourself.
- Is that good parenting? - I think it is.
Oh, my gosh.
Look It says here I get a photo op with London Tipton.
[sighing] She's beautiful and rich.
And famous for doing absolutely nothing.
- Aren't you kinda known for doing nothing? - [scoffing] You think I'm doing nothing, but really I'm planning something against you.
- That's my popcorn.
Come on! - No.
"Teen Cruise to Hawaii?" Awesome, huh? If I paint over the word "teen," will they go away? Come on, Mr.
It can't be that bad.
I signed up for the class you're teaching.
I look forward to matching minds with you.
- Shouldn't be half bad.
- Oh, really? - You plus you equals all bad.
- OK, zzzt! [elevator dings] Wow.
We're just saying goodbye to the boys.
- You don't have to wear a life vest.
- Yes, I do.
We're on water.
And if people were meant to be on water, we'd be born with these things.
But you have all those swimming medals from high school.
Honey, why do you think I was so fast? I couldn't wait to get out of the water.
Dude, check it out! There's a marine paleontology exhibit on board.
They must have known I was coming.
Was I supposed to keep an eye on Alex, - and make sure she didn't sneak away? - Yes.
When exactly does that job start? - Russos? The Russo party.
- Right here.
Ah, the contest winners.
Welcome to the S.
Tipton Teen Cruise to Hawaii.
- [groaning] You know, the ship's name is "Tipton," - Mm-hm.
which has the word "tip" in it.
Which makes me really nervous.
It also has the word "ton" in it.
As in this ship weighs Oh, my gosh.
How does this thing float? Magic.
There's no such thing as magic! The letter said I would get a photo op with London Tipton.
Justin, don't be disappointed if she won't talk to you.
Maybe there will be a cardboard cut-out of her you can meet.
Now, let me tell you about the wonderful amenities we have on board: We have an arcade and a hot tub, a buffet, a basketball court.
Oooh! And a state-of-the-art marine biology lab, - where I'll be teaching class.
- There's a school on board? - Yes.
- Don't tell Alex.
She'll wear us down until we let her take her class here.
Theresa, we must be strong.
Now, I'll take the teens to their contest-winning cabin.
Is it close to, uh, London Tipton's room? No, but it's close to where we store the cardboard cut-outs of her.
[cackling] Bye! OK.
Let's find Alex and get out of here.
Before she figures out there's a school on board.
- [elevator dings] - Did you guys know there's a school on board? - And, there's a 24-hour pizza bar.
- There's a pizza bar? Don't get distracted by the pizza.
That's part of her plan.
But pizza's the second most distracting food, after ice cream.
I wonder if they have ice cream on board.
OK, I've lost you.
Alex, even if we said yes, you're not even packed.
So if I'm packed, I'm good? "Bags from home meet me here, take them there and bring them near.
" You packed your bags? How did you know you'd be going? I find that if you keep acting like something you want is gonna happen, a lot of times it does.
Listen, if I let you do this, you have to promise to stay in that class.
And find out if there's any ice cream in there.
Dad, I promise to stay in class.
What else am I going to do? Well Ah! I'm not gonna give you any ideas.
[ship horn blowing] Oh, my gosh.
Let's go! [yelling] Let's go! [singing] Ah-ha! This is the S.
Tipton Teen Cruise's best cabin.
- This is the ship's infirmary.
- [Moseby] Hm Oh, uh, I don't know what "infirmary" means, but I'm pretty sure this is where they treat the sick people.
True, we were over-booked, - but it is one of our most sanitary cabins.
- [Max] Ah.
At least it was.
[door closing] Justin, look.
Check it out.
It's one of those arm clocks.
I'm going to go put it on people and tell them what time it is inside their bodies.
Bon jour, brothers! Surprised to see me? [scoffing] No.
Surprised that you know two words of French.
Mom and Dad said as long as I take my science class on board, I can stay.
Mom and Dad also think I got no shot at meeting London Tipton.
And they're probably right.
What would London Tipton want to do with someone who could only get on this ship by entering an ess contest? The photo op will probably be, "Hello, I wrote an essay.
" [high-pitched] "Oh.
Hello, I'm beautiful and rich.
" Click! "Wait, my eyes were closed! Can we you, busy.
" If you want to talk to London Tipton, just do what I do.
Keep acting like something you want's gonna happen.
And a lot of times it just does.
I'm on the cruise, right? Yeah, you may be on to something.
Well, get out of here.
I'm about to do something you don't wanna know about.
- Does it involve me? - No.
Hey, I was thinking while I was in there, these tights could be a hat.
Why not? See how much fun this cruise is? Speaking of fun, I signed you up for a really cool marine biology course.
Marine biology? That doesn't sound like fun.
What? You love marine biology.
Remember that whale-watching trip? - The one when I got seasick? - That wasn't seasick.
That was excited-sick.
I do throw up when I get excited.
Well, get ready to vomit, because you're going to marine biology class.
- Thanks, Alex.
- Oh, one more thing though.
You're going to be Alex Russo when you go.
Well, who are you gonna be? I'm gonna be the girl having as much fun as she can, as fast as she can until she gets caught.
Someone get this thing off me! It keeps getting tighter! [air hissing] [sighing] Ah, thanks.
So, I hear you're randomly taking people's blood pressure.
I'm kind of the one on the ship who does weird and hilarious stuff.
Well, good for you.
I'm the one who does incredibly cool, serious stuff that people laugh at for no reason.
[chuckling] That sounds like a challenge.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
It sounds to me like the whole time you've been talking, I've been trying to figure out what you meant by "blood pressure.
" Oh, it's on.
You and me.
We're drinking super-sized "everything slushies.
" They give you a slush rush.
See if you can handle it.
[silent mouthing] Oh! Excuse me, do you work in this jewelry store? Can I see that in a princess setting? - Jewelry store? - Hm-hm.
Uh I don't work here.
Uh, I was just wondering, uh - Where would you like to go on our second date? - [chuckling] Well, second dates for me are taking my private jet to one of my four castles for fried chicken, or taking one of my helicopters to one of my yachts for fried chicken.
- I love fried chicken.
- [both giggling] Wait a minute.
We didn't go out on a first date.
Who are you? Uh, no, I, uh - I'm the paleontologist in charge of this exhibit.
- [gasps] - Yep.
- [gasps] - I'm a doctor.
- Oh, I like doctors.
Fossil, if we were going on a second date, and I'm not saying we are, because I think the number "second" comes after the number "first," but then, I was never really good with lower case numbers, where would you take me? I'd take you to the best restaurant on this ship.
[gasps] The Balcony of the Neptune Room? - That.
I'll meet you there, Dr.
The doctor is in.
I'm Alex Russo.
- I'm Cody Martin.
I see you like to get to class before the teacher, too.
And I'm OK with sitting up front, now that my self-confidence is up.
People used to make fun of me behind my back, but now I'm OK with it.
They also find it threatening if you turn around and say, "I heard that.
" Nice to meet you, Alex Russo.
I'm going to remember you.
Ah, you don't have to.
Ah! I need one more for the tug of war.
Hm? Anyone? Chance to humiliate some boys? Sure, why not! And the winner gets two tickets to the Hannah Montana concert.
[gasping] Oh my gosh, I love Hannah Montana.
Well, good for you, girl I don't know.
What's your name? I'm girl you don't know.
And, go! - We're slipping.
We're slipping! - Spit on the floor! - [hocking, spitting noises] - Rub your shoes in it.
Oh, it's working! Oh, I get it.
- It gets the dust off your shoes to give traction - Less talk, more pull! Sorry! - Ha! - [both] Powned! - What! Eat it.
- Yeah! - And the winner is Bailey and - Girl you don't know.
[squeaking] We won! We're going to Hannah Montana! [chuckling] Massive splash, and I got nothing.
Now, I will need your name so I can put it on the winners board - with your picture for everyone to see.
- No, no, no.
We didn't win.
We cheated by spitting on the floor.
- She told me to, Mr.
- After all we've been through? - Can I still go to Hannah Montana? - Oh! Not unless you win the scavenger hunt.
I'm gonna go look for an egg-beater.
There's always an egg-beater.
I will need your name for the cheaters roster.
- My name - Hm-hm.
is Ashley Olsen.
Ashley Olsen, you are the most honest cheater I've ever met.
[camera clicking] Ashley Olsen.
I can probably remember that.
Ashley Oh, no.
And so I had to go ahead and operate on him, even though I only had a Swiss army knife and a bowling ball.
[gasping] Oh, my gosh.
That is so amazing.
You did all that and you're a teenage doctor? - Nope.
I did all that because I'm a teenage doctor.
- [gasps] You know, there are a lot of people who make up all kinds of stories - just to get close to me.
- Really? Yeah, people lie to me all the time.
- But, you would never lie to me, would you, Dr.
Fossil? - Oh, uh, no! - London, there's something I have to tell you.
- Me, too.
Look, I'm just so glad I finally met someone who can be real around me.
- Now, what were you going to say? - Nothing.
Just that I was gonna remind you that I'm a teenage doctor and I really like you.
- [both chuckling] - Well, I really like you, too.
- [phone ringing] - Oooh.
Text! - Oh, what a pain.
I have to go.
- What? I really wanna finish this date, but I can't.
I have to go to the main deck to greet some poor family who had to win a contest to get on the boat, the Russos.
Oh, that's how you know you're full.
Max! Dude, I'm in trouble.
London Tipton thinks I'm the rich Dr.
Fossil, and she's on her way here to take a picture with the poor Russos.
We're poor? Well then, I guess I can't afford these.
[water splashing] You're gonna be no help.
Where am I gonna get a disguise? - Harper! - Hi, Justin! You're good with costumes, right? I need you to Well, I'm not sure I have that material.
Harper?! What are you doing here? I'm part of Alex's scheme.
- I need you to be Alex Russo.
- That's also part of Alex's scheme.
- [gasping] There's London Tipton! You guys must be the Russos.
Max, Justin and Alex.
- London, I know what you're thinking - Yeah.
I'm thinking I need to get this photo op over with, so I can get back to Dr.
Oh, my gosh.
You look just like him! [giggles] - And - [camera clicking] you just met London Tipton.
Have a nice cruise.
That girl is really dumb.
And that's coming from me.
- [slurping noises] - Time! I finished first.
No, I finished first.
This is exactly why I said we shouldn't drink from the same cup.
You can't tell who finished first.
Maybe you're right.
I have an idea how we can settle this.
- Settle what? - Don't try to confuse me.
Look, I'm gonna beat you at luggage cart races tomorrow.
[chuckling] Oh, you're on.
Hey, are we even doing this right, Ashley? - Ashley - Olsen? That's it.
Well, if the object of the game is to see how many of these things we can knock overboard, - I think we're winning.
- [water splashing] To see the cells of this lobster, you'll stain them with tiny amounts of methylene blue.
- Stains are also how you can tell me from my brother.
- [chuckling] Nice one! - Thanks.
- [giggling] Anyway.
After that, you'll prepare the lobster - with a little bit of butter and tarragon.
- [both giggling] How long does it take to get from the Atlantic Ocean to the middle of the Pacific Ocean? - That's an excellent question, Alex Russo.
- Well, that's me! It takes a month of constant sailing at top speed if you go through the Panama Canal.
Or you could take the path Magellan did in 1522 and go around Cape Horn, but - But he died before he got all the way home.
- Knowledge is cool.
- So are dead explorers.
- You're an amazing student, Alex Russo.
Well, that's Alex Russo for you.
- Isn't making pizza great, Ashley? - Yes.
I love making my own food.
That's what Ashley Olsen does.
Yes! I gotta write that down.
Alex, I need your help.
[snorting] OK, well, that's gonna be hard.
There's no one named Alex here.
Just Bailey and Ashley Olsen.
She taught me to spit.
Well, I already knew how to spit, but she made me OK with doing it in public.
Part of the scheme.
Ashley, I've got a problem.
OK, Alex, I got exactly what I wanted - a date with London Tipton.
- Great! - Not great.
I lied to get her.
- Still great.
No I got exactly what I wanted and now it's terrible, - because she's not so smart.
- What do you mean? - Max thinks she's dumb.
You gotta dump her.
- I know.
- How are you gonna do it? - I'm just gonna tell her.
- Can I watch? - I'm not gonna cry.
- Where's the finish line? - The hot tub! - Watch out! - [grunting] Oh my gosh.
Bailey? [London] She's choking! Dr.
Fossil, help her.
- You're a doctor.
- I don't know how to save her.
What kind of a doctor doesn't know how to save a person? - Look, I was going to tell you - Tell me what? That you're not a very smart doctor? [choking, coughing] - Bailey! - [coughing] - [grunting] - [food splashes in water] - Bailey, are you all right? - Yes, thank you.
You just saved her life.
What's your name again? Ashley Simpson.
You said Olsen.
Yes, Ashley Simpson Olsen.
No, it's not.
- Alex? - Yeah, my sister, Alex Russo.
- She's not Alex Russo.
- Harper! - Ha! That's Alex Russo.
- Harper! Harper! I got an "A" on the first quiz.
Wait a minute.
She just called you Harper.
She called you Ashley.
And you called her Alex? OK, what is your name?! [Max] I'm gonna clear this up right now.
Her name is Alex Russo.
She's my sister.
We ah! London, I need to explain something to you.
That girl, whatever her real name is, saved Bailey.
And you, Dr.
Fossil, did not.
That is all I need to know.
- You're a dumb doctor.
- [gasps] And I can't date someone who's dumb.
No matter how handsome and smart you are.
You're breaking up with me? For being dumb? - Me? - That's right.
- I am dumb.
- [London] Hm-hm.
Because I thought that was gonna be hard, - and you made it real easy.
- [scoffing] Yeah.
You're so dumb, I don't even know what you're talking about.
- [clearing throat] I've just gotta know something.
- Hm? Would you ever go out with someone that worked in a sandwich shop and wrote stories and essays? Including one that was good enough to win him this cruise? That sounds like Justin Russo.
[scoffing] I should've gone out with him instead of you.
[gasps] I wonder where he is?